grad school before the blog

I had a difficult time beginning my first real blog post. I was feeling guilty working on my blog instead of reading for upcoming classes, finishing two conference submissions, working on a white paper with a looming deadline at work and doing more rewrites on my Master’s thesis proposal.  I returned from being out-of-town for a week, settling back into my routine, running errands and taking care of loose ends last week.  Then I got really sick and just wanted to sleep.  (I am sure my sinus issues will come up here, so I might as well go ahead and tell you right now I have some seriously epic allergies, chronic sinusitis, and Eustachian tube dysfunction.  It’s awesome.)

I was trying to find balance.  Wait… isn’t that what this blog is all about?  Finding balance?

So I thought I’d give you a little background on my time in graduate school up to this point!  This is also a blog about grad school.  Each semester has been a roller coaster ride.  Life-altering.  One of the best decisions I have EVER made was to go to grad school and do what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life.

My first year of grad school was a series of emotional breakdowns in which I questioned myself, my goals, my abilities, my relationships.  I had been out of school for two years working “in the real world,” so needless to say, I was a little rusty with this whole academic thing.  I also moved to a new place for school, so I had to make new friends and missed my old friends desperately.  I came from a Psychology department housed in the College of Behavioral and Social Sciences.  I was now in an Applied Experimental Psychology program housed in the College of Sciences.  I was conducting empirical research completely novel to me; running participants through real experiments instead of collecting survey data like I had in undergrad.  ANOVA, MRC, IRB, IVs, and DVs seemed like terms from a forgotten foreign language.  My stats professor told us the first day of class: “You were all the smart kids in undergrad. You probably made A’s without even trying. Well, now you’re in classes with all the smart kids.  This is grad school.  You will all not make A’s anymore.”  He was right… grad school is NOT undergrad.  You are now responsible for learning most of the material on your own, to teach yourself, to read a ridiculous number of empirical journal articles and to present more power point presentations than you can ever imagine.  Many of my married grad school friends spend more time in our labs running participants, on campus, and in class than they spend at home with their families.  (Case in point: One of my lab mates recently said, “Last semester, I saw the driving simulator more than I saw my husband.”)  I spent many hours on the phone with friends sobbing and many more hours in bed trying to find the will to face each day.  My advisor… well, he… um… I’ll save that for another post another day.  I wanted to quit.  To give up. “I can’t do this,” I thought.  It was just TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.  I tried going on a few dates to meet a man, but each date was an epic fail.  I spent most of my evenings alone with my cat and TiVo.  I stopped exercising, I was not eating as well as I should have, I didn’t sleep, I got migraines regularly.

Summer rolled around and I realized I had made it out ALIVE… even if I was 20 pounds heavier, had stress-induced thinning hair, and hadn’t dated in two years (yep, I said it!).  Don’t get me wrong, I still had a “life,” but overall, I struggled my first year of grad school.  I made some amazing friends in the program, learned some valuable lessons about myself, and fell in love with this area of the country.  I mean, who doesn’t love seeing the ocean almost every day?

I interviewed for and received an Internship with the Navy.  I was working 40 hours a week.  I was working on my thesis (a full-time job in and of itself).  I was preparing materials to apply to PhD programs for the following Fall.  I was my grandmother’s main caretaker between visits from my mom and great-aunt.

I live in a studio-like apartment attached to my grandparents’ house, so I felt very responsible for looking after them, especially when my grandmother became ill.  Around May, it doctors determined my grandmother’s health problems were a symptom of a greater problem.  A Cancer problem called Multiple Myeloma.   The cancer had advanced to her intestines and esophagus and due to her age, she was unable to receive a bone marrow or stem cell transplant.  She had to endure endless blood transfusions, plasmapheresis, chemo, and radiation. Watching the woman who helped raise me, who was my role model, who I loved deteriorate and eventually die was absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done.

I am thankful I was here to take care of her almost daily in those last few months.  Being with her, talking to her, seeing her so unafraid of death also forced me to look at my life, what I wanted and needed, what contributions I needed to make to the world.  I CHANGED MY PRIORITIES. I got the ultimate REALITY check.  I became dedicated to eating healthier, going to the chiropractor every two weeks, sleeping at least six hours a night, practicing yoga regularly, breaking ties with unhealthy relationships and strengthening positive relationships in my life.  I put me first.  Within a few weeks of making these changes in my life, my grandmother made a heartbreaking, but understandable and brave decision.  She chose to end her treatments and passed away on July 14^th.  My grandmother sacrificed so much for her family and husband, but she regretted not doing more for herself when she was still young and healthy. No one’s dying words are “I wish I had worked more.”  (Unless you are Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock, of course.) Hers certainly were not.  And I will carry her words from those last few months in my heart every day.

I continued to focus on my personal wellbeing and strengthening the healthy, rewarding relationships in my life.  I applied to PhD programs. My boss offered me an extension to my Internship until August 2010!  Most people in my program are teaching or research assistants, so I was away from campus more than most of my cohort.  This became a rather daunting balancing act to go back and forth to and from home, campus and multiple places for work.  To put it in perspective, I commute one to two hours (or more if I have to go to Portsmouth or if there is bad traffic) roundtrip every weekday (total time waster, really).  I wish I could talk more about what I do at work, but working for the government puts a damper on what I can make public.  The main point is: I LOVE MY JOB.  It is rewarding on so many levels.  It has helped me change my academic priorities, interests and future.  My boss has become my academic and professional mentor.  She has shown me that women can hold their own in a male dominated industry & field by working hard, finding balance, and being bloody brilliant.  The main drawback of last semester was that my cat developed a nervous licking disorder in which she has licked off all the hair on her belly and sides because I am a bad kitten mother and she feels like she lives in a “chaotic environment with no normalcy.”  Vet’s words.

My fourth semester of grad school officially began today.  I have two classes and a Master’s thesis to complete before I will have my Master’s degree!  PhD interviews begin next month, so I am keeping my fingers crossed on those.

My priorities this semester (in this order):

1. Stay healthy – emotionally and physically – by cooking more, reducing my gluten and sugar intake, sleeping at least 6 hours a night, and practicing Yoga.  No excuses.  Alex is more important than any class, contract and research proposal, thanks.  And my kitten is also incredibly important to my psychological wellbeing, so if I am happy, she is happy which means I am happy again. So, the only antidepressant this graduate student needs is happy kittehs!
2. Have a social life – even if it means a mostly online social life.  I struggle with this because I have a small circle of friends in grad school and I don’t go “out” like I did when I was younger.  Still, I need to take time out of the week to spend time with my friends here.  Twitter has been a valuable social networking tool for me and I have made fostered some EPIC friendships. I hope to meet them in person soon! I would like to start dating again.  I would like to meet a nice guy who is understanding of my work/school schedule, who isn’t in the military, has a two-syllable name, doesn’t listen to Nickelback, and doesn’t have an alcohol or drug problem.  I’m not picky, really.
3. Balance work, the thesis and coursework by making more reasonable weekly To Do lists, procrastinating less, and making small strides every day.  Also, I would like to hire a personal assistant. Anyone?