{my grandmother, Peggy Brown Bryson}
Tonight I dropped off some tulips at my grandmother’s grave. Actually, it is a mausoleum. I drive by that mausoleum almost daily. I am not sure why I went today. Sometimes I just go to sit and touch her name and the little birds engraved on her marker. I miss her.
~~~~~~~~~~
I thought I would share the poem I read aloud at her memorial service. It is from a book she gave me when I was in high school and that book is one of my dearest possessions.
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon.
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer from the book The Invitation
~~~~~~~~~~
{She was a special education teacher and one of the first female principals in Virginia Beach}
She was my heroine, my second mother, my everything. I took care of her when she was dying and it still could not repay all she did for me. She will continue to hold me up until the end of my life because I will always carry her with me.
Seven months ago (god, it feels like just a few months ago, not seven), things changed dramatically for me.
I lost my grandmother, but I found myself. I found out what I ache for… what sustains me… what love is… and that my heart is open. I could sit still with myself and all the tiny, shattered fragments of the past that live inside me. I could laugh out loud even when my heart was breaking. I realized that my grandmother’s withering body was not pretty, but she was so beautiful in her fearlessness and acceptance of death. I could live with failure and still scream “Bring It” when the next challenge came along. I could take care of myself and be there for my family and friends even when I could not face another day seeing my grandmother in pain. I stood by you because I knew you stood by me.
I could not have found out all of those things about myself without some of you. You know who you are. For that, I will be eternally grateful.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sitting here, all teary-eyed because what you have written about your grandmother could have easily been written by me. Right now, my Bugga, the grandmother who has been so constant and wonderful in my life, is battling colon cancer. Some days are better than others, some worse, and she is fighting. We had a scare last week, though, and I began thinking about what would happen whenever she passes on.
You’ve clearly inherited strength from your grandmother, and she lives on in you. *hugs*
Aw. HUGS. It is so hard sometimes and I miss her everyday. I am glad you are able to spend that time with your grandmother, even though I know it is hard. I ended up being my grandmother’s main caretaker in and out of the hospital and spent many hours a day with her while she was dying. I am thankful that I was here with her, to help her and to support her in that difficult time. I hope that you are able to spend as much time with her as possible. Your presence with her will mean more to her than she will probably ever be able to express. It is hard to know that the one you love will not be here anymore, but it is important to take that knowledge and use it for something positive. You have the opportunity to tell her how important she is to you, to kiss her on the cheek, to thank her for all that she has done for you. It may not seem like much consolation and it is not much of a comfort now, but I know from personal experience that I feel a sense of relief that my mother and grandfather do not. They did not say what they needed to say to her in those last few weeks and it tears them apart. I was able to be with her every day for four months. I was able to hold my grandmother’s hand, tell her I loved her, ask her if it was OK for me to go to Yoga. She told me, yes, please please go, take that time for yourself, that she loved me and was ready to go. And that same night she died. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
it’s always nice to regularly be in touch with older family members. it sounds like you learned a lot from her that you’ll never ever forget. she’d be proud to know she was such a huge influence in your life.
She definitely knew how much she meant to me, which almost makes it easier in some ways. She and I were able to talk a lot before she died and I told her how she was and will always be my hero. She was proud of me and supported me in so many things and I will always be grateful for that.
Thank you for you kind words.
This post made me wish I lived closer to my grandma’s grave so I could do the same. Also, I realized how much I need to revisit the city that caused me so much pain nearly 5 years ago (when she died) and face what haunts me.
Beautiful post. Thank you.
I am very fortunate to live close by. I don’t believe that I have to be where she is buried to feel connected to her though. I think I visit her sometimes more for my mom, who is not here. I hope you are able to go visit your grandmother’s grave soon. It can be hard to face things that bring us pain, but I know you will be able to do it and find some stillness and closure when you do.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Hope to talk to you more soon.
I have to second what Nico says—your grandmother is living through you. Wonderful post, Alex.
Thank you, Amy.
You and Nico are both amazing.
From the way you describe her, your grandmother doesn’t sound gone at all.
She’s showing through you. And as long as she still does, she will never be gone.
Stellar post.
Thank you.
That means a lot. Thank you for reading. 
I know how much your grandmother meant to you. I’m so sorry that you had to be the one to witness and support her at the end.
I love you very much, and you are definitely a wonderful, beautiful and inspiring woman, just like Pegoo,
Thank you. And thanks for being here for me during all of that. I love you, too.
Wow, this was so beautiful. It really hit home because I have the same relationship with my grandmother and I often think about how I’m going to recover when she passes away. We’re so blessed to have had them in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for stopping by! It will be difficult when it happens, but it is something we all face. We just have to be sure we take the time to share time with those we love while they are here. I hope you have many more years ahead with your grandmother and make many more memories with her. Hugs.
This brought tears to my eyes. I was introduced to that poem several months ago by another blogger. I printed out copies and have them at home, work, places I need that reminder sometimes. You are an amazing woman, clearly your grandmother lives on through you.
So glad you have copies of that poem. I have a framed print version in my bedroom as I walk in the door. Forces me to at least see it.
Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I hope that I can honor her by living by her example. She overcame so many obstacles and was a great woman.
I love this. Like Cali said, truly have you inherited your grandmother’s beauty and strength. I needed to read this last night. Thank you so, so much for sharing it.
Thank you, Doni. That means a lot to me. And I am glad you liked the poem, too.
Oh, how grandmothers matter. I talk to mine everyday, but sometimes I forget to cherish those conversations.
Thank you for this reminder.
Glad you are able to talk with your grandmother every day.
I will cherish every memory I have with her, but will especially carry those last few months in my heart. She taught me so many lessons at the end.
Incredible post Alex. You’re strength is an inspiration. I remember this poem! It brings back a lot of memories.
Thank you.
Wow. This was really moving, Alex. You have clearly inherited the strength and wisdom that your grandmother had.
Thank you, Cali.
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