Daily Archives: March 4, 2010

Let your fears go

Grad school, The Way

Just let you fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not lost
Just let your fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not alone

~Sunlounger feat Zara – Lost~

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I have been feeling a little sick lately and have been very emotional the last two weeks.  Every little thing makes me a weepy mess.  I have narrowed it down to two things: new medication and extreme stress.  I just can’t and won’t keep my emotions bottled up like I used to.  Today started like any other day.  Wake up, get ready, head to campus, get some work done, sit through class, makes plans to eat dinner and get more work done after class.

My advisor wanted to meet with me after class because we did not have our usual one on one meeting.  I had a conference to attend for work and had to reschedule.  We sat down in one of our labs and he said, “I just want to let you know that Congratulations, we want to bring you on as a PhD candidate.  I have been talking to Julie (my boss) about funding and we have to figure out how we can cover your tuition.  Once I talk to the department head and get that worked out, you will get your official letter in the mail.  But you have officially been accepted into the program.”

I went to dinner with two friends in the program because we had to finish the budget for our graduate student group.  We had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and laughed until we were crying and talked about school and boys and family.  I sent out a tweet about getting accepted into the program and immediately was bombarded with Congratulatory tweets.  On my way to drop off my friends on campus after dinner, we chatted about how much we have learned about ourselves, our capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We know who our real friends are and what we need to thrive.  I said one of the main reasons I want to stay in my current program is the connection I have established with those around me.

On my way home, I called my mom on her house phone.  She didn’t answer.  I called her cell phone.  She didn’t answer.  I started getting a little emotional because she had sent me a text message earlier telling me I could call her tonight and I wanted to give her the good news.  We haven’t talked very much in two weeks because we’ve both been so busy.  I thought about how I was heading home and wished with all my heart that my grandmother was there to greet me like she would have a year ago.  I wanted to tell her my good news.

She was so supportive of me and my decision to go to grad school.  She earned a Master’s degree before women earned Master’s degrees.  She had the opportunity to earn her PhD, but did not.  She did not become Dr. Bryson because she knew it would kill my grandmother.  It would have killed him to have a wife who was more educated and to have to correct people when they thought he was Dr.  And in the end, even when she was so fearless in the face of her own death, she wished with all of her heart that she had not made that sacrifice for another.  She told me so often that she wish she’d earned a PhD just so she would be able to say she did it, she conquered her greatest fear.

I am overwhelmed with the emotions that have been bubbling up inside me for weeks.  I am thrilled and devastated.  Elated and heart-broken.  Exhausted and excited.

Sometimes I am in awe of how far I have come in such a short period of time.  Some of you have not known me for very long.  Some of you only know the me that is smiling, somewhat confident, and fearless. Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have not always been the girl that resides in this body of mine.  I have not always been happy and have not always done things to take care of myself.  I locked up my heart for a long time because of things in my past. I went out of my way to hurt myself, I did not surround myself with people who had my best interest at heart, and I did not think I was worth very much.  I did not think I deserved to be happy.  I did not think I was capable of being successful.

At some point, roughly three years ago, I let go of my fears and embraced myself.  All of myself.  I applied to and got into grad school, quit my job, and started a new life.  I surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better woman.  I forgave myself.  I forgave others. I finally realized that I deserved to be happy.

Here I am.

I am home.  This is where I belong.  I am not lost.  I am not alone.

And I am fearless.

Grad student Q & A – Handling financial stress

Grad school

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3m-gOelA8g]

The best things in life are free

But you can keep ’em for the birds and bees.
Now gimme money (that’s what I want)
That’s what I want (that’s what I want)
That’s what I want (that’s what I want), oh-yeh,
That’s what I want.

~The Beatles~

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This is the fourth week of a six-week Q & A series.  Holly (aka Spleeness) asked:

How do you handle the stress related to the lowered financial resources of a student?

Diminished financial resources do pose a separate aspect of stress for most graduate students.  I will have to answer this question from my own experience.  I am a Master’s student in an Applied Experimental Psychology program.  Not law school.  Not med school.  Not business school.  Not all graduate programs are the same.  I came into grad school with no debt and substantial savings account.  Every graduate student has a different experience with debt and personal finances.  Just throwing that disclaimer out there.

Tuition, loans, and grants, oh my!

PhD candidates tend to have tuition waivers and stipends for teaching and research assistantships.  I am currently in a Master’s program, so I am responsible for tuition.  I use subsidized loans to pay for my tuition, which does not come close to the cost of medical or law school tuition. My first year of grad school, I had a teaching assistantship that paid fairly well for the hours I had to put in each week.  Now I have a part time job (my Internship with the Navy).  So, my assistantship and Internship have helped me pay for my living expenses.

Most of the people in my program get out a maximum amount of student loans each year to ease the financial burden of making less money than they would make outside of academia.  That being said, the students in my program are generally funded with research grants and government contracts through their labs.  Human Factors psychology offers funding opportunities that may not be available to other disciplines.  The secret to making money as a graduate student is to apply to the RIGHT program and work with the RIGHT faculty. You may not always have choice about the projects for which you will responsible, but you do have a choice about who you get to know before applying to programs.  It is important to find out what kinds of grants and funding faculty members bring into a program.  Those grants will be your source of income at the PhD level beyond the funding provided by the department.  You also have the responsibility as a graduate student in a research-focused program to learn HOW to write grant and research proposals.  Graduate school prepares students to be better writers and offers the necessary skills to find funding.  Grants will save your life.  Grants make academia go round.  Outside of academia, you may have to write proposals to fund your work.  For example, my boss funds most of her human performance research with outside sources like the Office of Naval Research.  When/If I get into a PhD program, I will most likely hold a research assistant position and will be funded through my lab. (Unless all the stars align beautifully and I get to stay at my current job while I get my PhD.)

Everyone is different.

Everyone wants and needs different things from a career or job.  You all work hard and do very different things to pay the bills.  I know that when I am finished with school, if I work hard and am good at what I do, I will make enough money to pay back my loans quickly and have enough money to live comfortably.  I will be able to take care of myself in the future because I can take care of myself now with less money in the bank. Unless the dollar really does become worthless in three years.

I am fortunate.  My undergraduate degree was fairly inexpensive because family helped me pay for tuition, I worked while I was in school, and I earned some scholarships.  My grandparents worked hard and saved money their entire lives to make my family’s life better.  I am thankful for their sacrifice and love and do not take that for granted.  I also worked for three years between college and graduate school, so I was able to pay off my debt and to build up a savings account over that time.  I also took the time to learn about personal finance, budgets, investments, 401 Ks, money markets, etc. because I am responsible for where my money goes.

It is not easy.

I had to prioritize and make sacrifices. I rarely go to concerts or small shows or make it to Trance DJ sets anymore.  Live music is my favorite thing in all the Universe.  I spent more money in my lifetime to see live music than anything else.  It is hard to live in an area where music is an everyday part of life. It devastates me to think of all the shows I have missed the last two years.  I don’t have the time.  I can’t afford to see every musician who comes to Norfolk, Richmond or DC.  I don’t just pick up and leave whenever I want to get out of town.  Mostly, I just don’t have time for this. I plan my meals and cook. I make a budget and do my best to stick with it.

Some things I refuse to give up. I did not give up getting my hair done professionally because that is the one thing I do to pamper myself.  I refuse to make sacrifices for my health with regard to exercise (e.g., hot yoga classes), chiropractic care for my hip injury, healthy food (e.g., Trader Joe’s and local farmers markets), or vitamins/supplements.

I cut back on some things so I can afford those things I refuse to give up. I rarely eat out or buy coffee in coffee shops.  I cook most of my meals, pack lunches and snacks and make my own coffee most mornings.  I have a budget.  And I stick to it most months.  If I want to do something that is not in my budget, I cook more, make coffee at home more, go a few extra weeks to get my hair done, sell things on ebay, go to the chiropractor less often, etc.

I am not planning to buy a house or a car or to take a three month trip around the world or to make any major investments. There are times I still buy a new pair shoes or get my hair done or go visit my friends in another city instead of saving that money for my future.  But it’s just me now.  If I meet someone and we decide to connect our lives, my priorities will change with regard to how I spend my money. If there is some kind of emergency and I need to save my money, I will save my money.

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Life is too short not to enjoy some things now just because I think I can do them after school is over.  My life is happening now, not in three years from now.  If I want to buy a bottle of Rex Hill Pinot Noir, I will do it if I know I can cut back on something else that month.  I don’t want to wake up in a year thinking, “I really wish I’d gone to Bonnaroo instead of saving that $1000 for 2020.”  I want to wake up in a year thinking, “God, I am so thankful I spent that money when I did so I could share such a wonderful experience with friends.”

I appreciate all the things in my life that are free.  Just like the Beatles song.  But seriously… life is easier with some cash money.  I mean, I’d never get to meet all my blogger friends without money to travel.   I love you so much that I am willing to cut back on concerts, Starbucks, and hot yoga sessions so I can come visit you this summer, right?

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What did you sacrifice or cut back when you had less money in the bank?  What did you refuse to sacrifice?  How do you deal with making less money than you would make out in “the real world” if you worked 60 to 80 hour work weeks like you do in grad school?  What advice do you have for someone who is living on loans?