I really enjoyed your post and can relate.. Thing is, I am so fucking sick and tired of feeling inadequate. I’m realizing at the end of my 20s that although I am ‘good at school,’ it doesn’t really agree with my disposition. The pressure and stress of deadlines and trying to anticipate every freaking flaw that some external examiner may or may not pick up on is impinging on my quality of life, cause when I leave the library, I can’t leave this stuff behind with my books and papers. It sits on my shoulder like a devil or germs in a prescription drug commercial. And when I try to sleep it whispers in my ear, ‘university of lies, you suuuuuck!’ And yeah, then there’s the realization that I’m not as good at school as I thought.

I went to a good school and majored in area studies. While there I felt a real sense of community and belonging even though the school was a medium sized research university because my department was small and the people in it were close. While it wasn’t easy, it was good knowing that I was excelling academically and had found a place socially.

Area studies was good because it gave me a chance to develop a deep base of knowledge in one part of the world, but after graduating I realized I really didn’t have much of a base in anything. I wanted to go to grad school to get a disciplinary background to be “respectable” and because I felt like there were important questions that I hadn’t yet gotten time to answer.

The first semester was difficult. I didn’t have much of a math background and political science requires a lot of it. But midway through my second semester I gradually began to lose interest in my other classes and I kind of mailed it in. It was the first time in my life that I was ashamed of the work that I produced. The kind of scary thing was that when I began to think of what I could possibly do if I wasn’t doing this I drew a blank.

So I talked with some people and decided I could improve my situation by switching from political science to sociology. The discipline isn’t as math dominated and the methodological approach seems like it would be more suiting to my interests. So this next year I am hoping that the change will solve some of my problems. It’s nice to know that other grad students are struggling with some of the same concerns that I am dealing with right now. I definitely felt like I didn’t fit in with my old department. Hopefully my new one will be more comfortable.

I am not sure what to say in reply, other than I appreciate this comment so much. I can be really encouraging when I hear other grad students who have similar outlooks. I definitely agree that grad school has amazing moments and aspects. The flexibility can be a double edged sword; professors assume we can work 24 hours seven days a week. On the flipside, I can read at the beach in the middle of day once in a great while. Talking to other scientists in my field is absolutely one of the greatest joys I have as a grad student, so I definitely do not take that for granted when the opportunity arises.

And then this:
“Right after undergrad, as I began my program, I naively thought, ‘Since science has so far been the most enlightening, stimulating, and fun, I should DO science.’ But the dissillusionment has, at long last, set in. Doing science, in either academic or private settings, will never satisfy my love of learning. In fact, doing science has made me a bit wary of the motivations of some academics. I think you’re a lot like me. For us the lab is too small. We need to actively seek out new things, unleash our curiosity on the world.”

Yes yes yes and yes.