This year

This was an incredible year.

In fact, it might have been “the” year. The year I took control of my life and lived it on my own terms. It was not always pleasant. I certainly cried my eyes out this year because of joy AND sadness. That is life though, isn’t it?

In May, I wrote a post called Shifting Manifesting Revealing as part of #Reverb11. In that post I touched on the fact that in 2010 I made some commitments to myself. I was committed to saying No, to maintaining balance, to finding joy, to taking risks for love, to losing weight and being stronger, and to being thankful for where I am today and where I will be tomorrow.

That first prompt for #Reverb10 asked us to encapsulate 2010 in one word. It also asked us to ponder what word we wanted to capture 2011 when we reflected upon it later. I chose self-love as the word that I hoped to manifest in 2011, आत्माप्रेमन् (aatma prem). On December 1st, 2010, I said:

I really do have to take better care of myself and put myself first. To take care of myself, I must love myself. I hope I can work towards that in 2011.

As early as May, I knew that I had in fact manifested this word in 2011. And today I sit here crying because I somehow, through some miracle of miracles that I never thought possible, felt love for myself for probably the first time in my entire life. Real love. By loving myself, everything else just fell into place. No, it didn’t fall into place. I made it happen. I didn’t push, I just opened myself up to the possibility of happiness, and it moved through me. To do this, I changed everything. My behavior and my thoughts. Every single thing. It wasn’t easy. I made mistakes. I fell on my face a few times, even. It still isn’t easy. But it is possible. Happiness is a journey, after all.

I lost 40 pounds this year.

More importantly, I shed some of emotional weight I’d carried around my entire life. That baggage that tells us we are not thin enough, not good enough, not pretty enough. That baggage that tells us we have to be perfect to be loved. Worse, that we have to be someone else’s idea of perfect for them to love us. Today when I look in the mirror, I think, “You are awesome. You deserve awesome. You can now share awesome with others.” I feel whole. I am stronger than I’ve ever been. I feel empowered. I feel good in my own skin, flaws and all. I absolutely don’t want to be skinnier. I want to keep getting stronger. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, emotionally and physically. I combined 3-5 days per week of weight training, yoga, and cardio, but I also changed what I was putting in my body. I rested. I was still. I said No. This is my lifestyle now. I am incredibly thankful for those who stuck by me and supported me and lifted me up through this process. I am sad that everyone could not be supportive, but I know I will always support others in their decisions to be healthy.

I started online dating.

I met a handful of men who helped me learn more about what I need and want in a relationship, and more about who I am and who I want to be. I made some mistakes, yes. I didn’t always do what was best for me or for the other person, sure. Nonetheless, I am a better, happier, wiser woman because I took a risk and put myself out there. And I will continue to do so. Dating is really tough at this stage in one’s life (and I’m sure it gets more difficult the older we get because life adds new complexities to relationships). Regardless of the rocky road, I am thankful these people became part of my life. Some of these men I consider to be good friends today. They make me laugh, they give great advice, and they are always there to tell me like it is when I act like an idiot about men. Others I can only hope will find happiness in their own lives so they can find love and contentment in their relationships in the future. I can only hope they want that for me, too.

I wrote a guest post for Ophelia’s Webb Pas De Deux series in February of this year: When Love Was Your Great Disappointment. I can safely say that love is no longer my greatest disappointment. This year, I felt grief when I discovered that my idea of what “could have been” with someone (two someones, actually) didn’t turn out that way in the end. I felt joy when I could let my guard down, be myself, trust someone, and feel contentment around him. The fact that I continue to allow myself to love others and to love myself means I’ve come a long way from that girl with “the wall” built around her.

I completed another year of grad school.

I graduated with a Master’s of Science in Experimental Psychology in May. I now have one semester of coursework left before I take my comprehensive exams. I am teaching Intro to Psychology course, doing research, and studying for my Comps next semester. My feelings about grad school have shifted some, but I still feel “different” from my cohort. I still struggle with not feeling a sense of belonging, with feeling insecure and not intelligent, but these feelings are only a product of grad school’s politics. I recently wrote a guest post at Enter: Adulthood about Defining Adulthood as a Doctoral Student. I feel more “grown up” than ever before simply because I’ve made the choices that I know I will be able to live with forever. I am overall happy, fulfilled, and challenged, and I also have the healthiest relationships with people I’ve ever had. Without those relationships, I would not be where I am today. It is impossible for me to express my gratitude to them (to you), but it runs deep. I am ready to move forward and work hard to close this chapter of my life so I can start a new one. The tiny light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter than ever before.

I strengthened ties offline.

But in the meantime, I had to break others offline. I am finding more and more that my interactions online are changing. This year I spent a lot more time conversing, building deeper connections with friends offline (or at least not in a public forum). I love my Twitter family, but I definitely did not interact in that space the same way that I did the year before. I stepped away from the Blogosphere quite a bit. As you may have noticed, I didn’t comment on a lot of blogs after the summer. I chose to limit the blogs I read to those that enrich my life or help me keep in touch with someone in a way that Facebook and Twitter cannot. This means I lost touch with some people, but it means I really got to know some others in a way I wasn’t able to before. I also spent more time face to face with those closest to me, even if it was only one trip this year. So many of us are getting married, graduating, having babies, dealing with loss in various forms, that it is important to BE together.

Just as I stopped reading or commenting on some blogs, some bloggers stopped reading my blog and talking to me online. I think the main reason my life as a blogger changed this year is my life offline changed. I feel that I can’t (or I don’t want to) blog about the things that are most important to me now or that take up most of my life. School, exercise, food, dating, and time offline became priorities for me. I don’t feel comfortable talking openly about school because I’m not anonymous. I connected more online with those bloggers who are in PhD programs similar to mine. This is what blogging is about – community. Many people blog about food and health and wellness, so I feel I have nothing to contribute online with regard to those topics. I know what worked for me, but it may not work for others. I believe that my online dating life should be kept as private as possible, so I rarely talk openly about the men I met (and continue to meet) or the men with whom I fell in love or the men who ended up being less than stellar individuals. When I did meet a few guys with whom I wanted to spend more time, those moments filled the space in my life that used to be filled with Twitter.

All of this is to say – as my life has changed offline, my life has changed online. Next year will be no different. I may even completely overhaul my online identity. I just want you to know that I still do genuinely value each and every person I’ve met online.

I had a number of extraordinary adventures with extraordinary people.

This year I traveled to Boston, DC, Alabama, Tennessee, and Vegas again. I went to my ten year high school reunion. My brother and I went to a family reunion on my dad’s side. I got a tattoo: A constant reminder that healing is a process and that I must be fearless in all things. Throughout the year, I saturated my life with music, film, theater, and various other adventures with my amazing friends and family. Some of my favorite moments: Anthony Bourdain, Hangout Music Festival, Ira Glass, Winter Meltdown (where I actually got to touch Gavin Rossdale) Paul van Dyk, and STS9. I spent time with my family here in town. I spent a lot of time at the beach this year, too. Because, hello, I live at the beach. Honestly, the most beautiful moments this year took place on my sofa or a friend’s, a coffee shop, on the beach, in a bar, or at dinner. Those moments when we could share each other’s company, just be ourselves, and feel everything else fall away. Those are the moments that brought me the most happiness this year.

The future can still be anything