That someone you’ve been waiting for.

Hoping for.

With all your heart.

Someone who makes you laugh.

Who makes you feel completely, utterly comfortable with your whole self. No, he makes you understand that you are complete already. He tells you how beautiful you are and you know he is telling the truth.

You kept putting yourself out there, taking risks, with the knowledge that he existed. The Universe just hadn’t brought you together yet.

That someone who would not have come into your life unless you were ready.

Content in solitude.

Unless you had spent the time getting to know yourself and what you needed and wanted in a partner.

Unless you were able to pause and abandon some of the fear of being hurt. Unless you knew with certainty that you deserved a good man. Unless you stopped making excuses for those men who hurt you, used you, were unsure about you. Who were not as deserving of you. Who made you question how amazing you are.

Unless you were willing to accept him into your life.

Because a year ago, we would not have been this perfect for each other.

Today?

We are together because we both know we are deserving of love and we are open to the kindness.

I knew in one moment early on that he was the one I wanted to be with. I knew I did not want it to end. I was so scared, but I can tell you exactly when I knew he was the one I deserved to be with, the one who was good for me. The one who would make me a better person. The one who wanted to be a better person for me. Yet, the one who accepts and cares for all of me. The one I accept completely. The one who is not perfect and the one who doesn’t expect me to be perfect.

The one who will sit with me at my coffee table while I do work late into the night. Without judgment. Because sometimes he has to work late into the night with me. But we are able to be together, so we are happy.

The one who tucks my hair behind my ear. Who kisses me all the time. Touches my hand across the table at a restaurant.

The one who who sends me texts that make my heart stop. Who makes me want to be cheesy. Corny, even. The one who brings out the hopeless romantic in me. The one who is romantic even though he doesn’t realize it. Just don’t tell him I said that.

The one I want to care for, but the one who wouldn’t ask me to take care of him. The one I don’t want to fix. The one I would never ask to fix me.

The one who makes mistakes. The one who is honest in his apologies. Who is thankful. Who is forgiving.

The one I can call a boyfriend, the one who can call me his girlfriend. Yet, I don’t refer to him as anything but his name. Two syllables, by the way.

The one who wants me. All of me.

The one I met last March via a mutual friend at my birthday party. He chose the most excellent music in the jukebox – Radiohead and The Killers I remember in particular. He seemed nice. And cute. We chatted.

That was that.

Months later, we met again.

And we are happy. Together.

I hope you all have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Mine is, once again, not so sexy or revolutionary. But it is different this year. I am in a place filled with contentment. I can share my life and this day with someone.

I will go to bed knowing this man I have come to adore also adores me.

I am grateful.

Happy.

Thank you, Universe.

More please.

This was an incredible year.

In fact, it might have been “the” year. The year I took control of my life and lived it on my own terms. It was not always pleasant. I certainly cried my eyes out this year because of joy AND sadness. That is life though, isn’t it?

In May, I wrote a post called Shifting Manifesting Revealing as part of #Reverb11. In that post I touched on the fact that in 2010 I made some commitments to myself. I was committed to saying No, to maintaining balance, to finding joy, to taking risks for love, to losing weight and being stronger, and to being thankful for where I am today and where I will be tomorrow.

That first prompt for #Reverb10 asked us to encapsulate 2010 in one word. It also asked us to ponder what word we wanted to capture 2011 when we reflected upon it later. I chose self-love as the word that I hoped to manifest in 2011, आत्माप्रेमन् (aatma prem). On December 1st, 2010, I said:

I really do have to take better care of myself and put myself first. To take care of myself, I must love myself. I hope I can work towards that in 2011.

As early as May, I knew that I had in fact manifested this word in 2011. And today I sit here crying because I somehow, through some miracle of miracles that I never thought possible, felt love for myself for probably the first time in my entire life. Real love. By loving myself, everything else just fell into place. No, it didn’t fall into place. I made it happen. I didn’t push, I just opened myself up to the possibility of happiness, and it moved through me. To do this, I changed everything. My behavior and my thoughts. Every single thing. It wasn’t easy. I made mistakes. I fell on my face a few times, even. It still isn’t easy. But it is possible. Happiness is a journey, after all.

I lost 40 pounds this year.

More importantly, I shed some of emotional weight I’d carried around my entire life. That baggage that tells us we are not thin enough, not good enough, not pretty enough. That baggage that tells us we have to be perfect to be loved. Worse, that we have to be someone else’s idea of perfect for them to love us. Today when I look in the mirror, I think, “You are awesome. You deserve awesome. You can now share awesome with others.” I feel whole. I am stronger than I’ve ever been. I feel empowered. I feel good in my own skin, flaws and all. I absolutely don’t want to be skinnier. I want to keep getting stronger. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, emotionally and physically. I combined 3-5 days per week of weight training, yoga, and cardio, but I also changed what I was putting in my body. I rested. I was still. I said No. This is my lifestyle now. I am incredibly thankful for those who stuck by me and supported me and lifted me up through this process. I am sad that everyone could not be supportive, but I know I will always support others in their decisions to be healthy.

I started online dating.

I met a handful of men who helped me learn more about what I need and want in a relationship, and more about who I am and who I want to be. I made some mistakes, yes. I didn’t always do what was best for me or for the other person, sure. Nonetheless, I am a better, happier, wiser woman because I took a risk and put myself out there. And I will continue to do so. Dating is really tough at this stage in one’s life (and I’m sure it gets more difficult the older we get because life adds new complexities to relationships). Regardless of the rocky road, I am thankful these people became part of my life. Some of these men I consider to be good friends today. They make me laugh, they give great advice, and they are always there to tell me like it is when I act like an idiot about men. Others I can only hope will find happiness in their own lives so they can find love and contentment in their relationships in the future. I can only hope they want that for me, too.

I wrote a guest post for Ophelia’s Webb Pas De Deux series in February of this year: When Love Was Your Great Disappointment. I can safely say that love is no longer my greatest disappointment. This year, I felt grief when I discovered that my idea of what “could have been” with someone (two someones, actually) didn’t turn out that way in the end. I felt joy when I could let my guard down, be myself, trust someone, and feel contentment around him. The fact that I continue to allow myself to love others and to love myself means I’ve come a long way from that girl with “the wall” built around her.

I completed another year of grad school.

I graduated with a Master’s of Science in Experimental Psychology in May. I now have one semester of coursework left before I take my comprehensive exams. I am teaching Intro to Psychology course, doing research, and studying for my Comps next semester. My feelings about grad school have shifted some, but I still feel “different” from my cohort. I still struggle with not feeling a sense of belonging, with feeling insecure and not intelligent, but these feelings are only a product of grad school’s politics. I recently wrote a guest post at Enter: Adulthood about Defining Adulthood as a Doctoral Student. I feel more “grown up” than ever before simply because I’ve made the choices that I know I will be able to live with forever. I am overall happy, fulfilled, and challenged, and I also have the healthiest relationships with people I’ve ever had. Without those relationships, I would not be where I am today. It is impossible for me to express my gratitude to them (to you), but it runs deep. I am ready to move forward and work hard to close this chapter of my life so I can start a new one. The tiny light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter than ever before.

I strengthened ties offline.

But in the meantime, I had to break others offline. I am finding more and more that my interactions online are changing. This year I spent a lot more time conversing, building deeper connections with friends offline (or at least not in a public forum). I love my Twitter family, but I definitely did not interact in that space the same way that I did the year before. I stepped away from the Blogosphere quite a bit. As you may have noticed, I didn’t comment on a lot of blogs after the summer. I chose to limit the blogs I read to those that enrich my life or help me keep in touch with someone in a way that Facebook and Twitter cannot. This means I lost touch with some people, but it means I really got to know some others in a way I wasn’t able to before. I also spent more time face to face with those closest to me, even if it was only one trip this year. So many of us are getting married, graduating, having babies, dealing with loss in various forms, that it is important to BE together.

Just as I stopped reading or commenting on some blogs, some bloggers stopped reading my blog and talking to me online. I think the main reason my life as a blogger changed this year is my life offline changed. I feel that I can’t (or I don’t want to) blog about the things that are most important to me now or that take up most of my life. School, exercise, food, dating, and time offline became priorities for me. I don’t feel comfortable talking openly about school because I’m not anonymous. I connected more online with those bloggers who are in PhD programs similar to mine. This is what blogging is about – community. Many people blog about food and health and wellness, so I feel I have nothing to contribute online with regard to those topics. I know what worked for me, but it may not work for others. I believe that my online dating life should be kept as private as possible, so I rarely talk openly about the men I met (and continue to meet) or the men with whom I fell in love or the men who ended up being less than stellar individuals. When I did meet a few guys with whom I wanted to spend more time, those moments filled the space in my life that used to be filled with Twitter.

All of this is to say – as my life has changed offline, my life has changed online. Next year will be no different. I may even completely overhaul my online identity. I just want you to know that I still do genuinely value each and every person I’ve met online.

I had a number of extraordinary adventures with extraordinary people.

This year I traveled to Boston, DC, Alabama, Tennessee, and Vegas again. I went to my ten year high school reunion. My brother and I went to a family reunion on my dad’s side. I got a tattoo: A constant reminder that healing is a process and that I must be fearless in all things. Throughout the year, I saturated my life with music, film, theater, and various other adventures with my amazing friends and family. Some of my favorite moments: Anthony Bourdain, Hangout Music Festival, Ira Glass, Winter Meltdown (where I actually got to touch Gavin Rossdale) Paul van Dyk, and STS9. I spent time with my family here in town. I spent a lot of time at the beach this year, too. Because, hello, I live at the beach. Honestly, the most beautiful moments this year took place on my sofa or a friend’s, a coffee shop, on the beach, in a bar, or at dinner. Those moments when we could share each other’s company, just be ourselves, and feel everything else fall away. Those are the moments that brought me the most happiness this year.

The future can still be anything

People all over the Internet gave thanks this month. Every day we paused and sent our gratitude and thanks out into the Universe with a tweet, a blog post, a photo, etc. This year I thought I would participate by posting a message to Twitter and Facebook. Each day I noticed myself waking up and thinking of things for which I was grateful. Each day I paused, reflected, and pondered. I take many things for granted, so I hope I can continue to reflect upon the people, places, and things for which I am grateful each day. I wanted to capture each of the posts on my blog so I can look back and reflect on the things for which I was most thankful this month (and always).

My month of thankfulness:

1. I’m thankful for the inspiring men and women I’ve met through social media.
2. Thankful for this (delicious) coffee. Also, thankful for all the coffee I have had and all the coffee I will have in the future.
3. Electronic Dance Music especially Trance and Progressive House) brought me closer to myself, friends and the world and it makes me more productive and happy.
4. I am thankful for my friends. They love me, support, challenge, and support me, and make me a better person each day.
5. Thankful for family - their sacrifices, love, resilience. Especially thankful for my brother. Also, my cat.
6. Thankful for my past. All of it – darkness and light. Each moment helped me become the person I am (and love) today.
7. Thankful for my neti pot. And for the first person who suggested I use one.
8. Thankful for those who sacrifice(d) so much to help the world on its journey to rise above discrimination, ignorance, and hate. Thankful for progress and change. Thankful I can light a candle in the darkness. Today I am thankful I can vote because of those sacrifices and that progress.
9. Thankful for relationships that remain strong despite political and religious differences. Thankful for those friends whose religious and political beliefs align with mine. Thankful we can help each other grow by having intelligent, kind, and honest conversations.
10. Thankful for teachers/professors who helped push me in the direction of my dreams (and those who supported me, challenged me, accepted me, and who lifted me up.
11. Thankful for my chiropractor who has helped keep me (mostly) pain-free for a year.
12. On Veteran’s Day, I’m thankful for men and women who sacrifice(d) so much all over the world. Thankful for their families (and mine) who also make/ made sacrifices. Especially thankful that my friends and family have always come home safe (a blessing many don’t experience and it breaks my heart.)
13. I am thankful I made the choice to take better care of myself this year. Thankful for trainers who pushed me and helped me get stronger and healthier this year. Thankful for the feeling of empowerment that comes with setting measurable goals and conquering them through hard work (like those 60 consecutive push ups I can do now or a resting heart rate of 51 bpm). Thankful to be happy in my skin. Strong is the new skinny.
14. Thankful for airplanes. Mostly, I’m thankful I can visit my friends all over the world and that they can come visit me.
15. Thankful for my lab mates and grad students in my program (and those I’ve met online over the years) who bring sunshine into a journey that can seem very dark at times. You know who you are. All grad programs are *not* created equal; and yet, there are common themes and experiences in most PhD programs (feelings of despair, self-doubt, fear, uncertainty; little positive or instant feedback; no concrete definition of success; hazing, as it were). I’m thankful we are all in this together, supporting each other as we habituate to the feeling of drowning. Just keep swimming, my brilliant, wonderful, and brave grad/law/med school homies.
16. Thankful for delicious beer – Pretty Things, Dogfish, Oskar Blues, Stone, and O’Connor (to name a few).
17. Thankful I took a risk this year and put myself out there in ways I hadn’t for quite some time (via online dating). Thankful for lessons learned – who I am, who I want to be, what I need, and what I want. Thankful I’ve made some great friends in the process (despite some bumps in the road). Today’s was inspired by this Note from the Universe: “Once one passes through the entry gates of time and space, it may be handy to know that simply dwelling upon joy, abundance, or anything else involving people, will literally draw complete strangers into your life, as if they were puppets on marionette strings. Creating new and totally unpredictable circumstances that will bring you more, more, more of whatever you were thinking about.”
18. Thankful to be a little closer to the light at the end of this tunnel called grad school.
19. Thankful for participants who show up for our experiments (especially on Saturday). Thankful for friends who are also here collecting data all day. Thankful I’m NOT doing team research now.
20. Thankful for breaks during school. Sure, we all end up catching up on school work for a few days because we don’t have class and meetings, but I’m thankful for the break nonetheless. This year I am taking three days OFF for Thanksgiving so I can bake, spend time with family and friends, and prep for the holidays.
21. Thankful I live in a neighborhood like Ghent where everything I need (e.g., movies, food, drinks,shopping, local produce, etc.) is just a 10-20 minute walk away.
22. As a grad student, I am thankful for the equipment and software we all have in our labs so we can do research (e.g., eye tracker, distributed games, driving and medical simulators, nice computers/monitors, smart board, BCIs, physio monitors, etc.).
23. Thankful for first world problems. Thankful for such a great reminder from David K. Israel.
24. Our almost vegan Thanksgiving = Garlic stir fried broccoli, kale/beet salad with pine nuts, pecan maple sweet potatoes, coconut almond green bean casserole, chunky spiced apple sauce, relish plate, Tofurkey with wild rice and vegan gravy, a grilled turkey, turkey gravy, mushroom dressing (stuffing), two vegan pumpkin pies, and chocolate pumpkin cake. Thankful for this food, but mostly thankful I can spend this day with my family.
25. Co-working with my brother all day before we head out to see Nightmare Before Christmas at the Naro with a great friend.
26. So much work. So much anxiety. Thankful I’m healthier/happier than I was last year at this time though! Progress.
27. Thankful for sunshine. Took advantage of beautiful weather as often as possible because I miss it when it goes into hiding in the winter.
28. Thankful for my car and my apartment, two things I take for granted too often.
29. I am thankful for the ways in which a decade of practicing yoga (even if it’s been on and off) seeps into my daily life now, especially when I am in panic mode around the end of the semester. Deep breaths. Stay grounded. In with the love, out with the baggage. Universal love. Stillness. Acknowledge the noise, then move on. Emotions are just information. Namaste.
30. Thankful I participated in 30 days of thankfulness. Waking up each morning and pondering “thankfulness” is a beautiful thing.

~~~

What were you most thankful for this month? Did you participate in 30 days of thankfulness/gratitude online this year? What did you learn about yourself by reflecting upon your gratitude each day?

{Maple pecan sweet potato casserole}

This summer, my brother converted to a diet free of animal products. If you know me at all, you know I tried to be vegan for awhile and I was a vegetarian for a long time. You also know that now, for personal reasons, I choose to eat fish/shellfish, eggs, and cheese (and sometimes poultry) and I focus on a more local, farm to table versus a meat-free diet. I am proud of my brother for his dedication, especially as a triathlete who must eat a lot more calories and protein than an average 20 year old. He is still learning how to adjust his diet in safe way to ensure that he does get enough of the right things as a college student on a budget. Luckily, he has a sister who is about 18 years ahead of him on the learning curve, so she can share her knowledge (and mail him care packages filled with Trader Joe’s goodies).

{Green been casserole with coconut milk, criminis, and toasted almonds}

I haven’t cooked meat in so long (other than fish/shellfish), that I wouldn’t even know where to begin anymore. Over the years, I’ve learned how to substitute this for that or that for this. Baking is still a little more difficult, but I just experiment with recipes until I find something that works for me. This year I wanted my brother to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving with the rest of us. I also know how frustrating it can be to sit at a table full of meat eaters who want to nag, question, judge, and ridicule you about your diet. My mom and I split up the task of finding recipes we wanted to try and I adjusted them to be vegan friendly. The only real substitutions I ended up making in the recipes we wanted involved coconut milk, hearty vegetable stock, vegetable spread, and olive oil. I always substitute coconut milk for dairy when I cook, but will often use almond milk as an egg replacement. Earth Balance or olive oil and veggie stock is a staple in my kitchen. Piece of cake. Still full of flavor.

{Local kale, beet, carrot salad with roasted pine nuts}

Dinner was a success. My mom and I found some great recipes and my substitutions worked out beautifully. My brother loved everything. Even the other boys (the carnivores) enjoyed almost everything we served up. We still made a turkey for the carnivores of the family, of course. It was a fresh, free range turkey and my mom’s boyfriend grilled it on a charcoal grill because the weather was so nice. There were only six of us, so we didn’t make eleven million dishes. Still, we had some leftovers. We didn’t do anything that fancy, but it was all delicious and we plan on making everything again.

{One of two non-vegan components of our dinner - fresh, free range turkey, on the grill}

The menu:

• Grilled turkey and gravy
• Tofurkey and vegan gravy
• Two cranberry relishes, spiced applesauce, and relish tray
• Kale, carrot, and beet salad with toasted pine nuts (made with locally grown produce; dressing mixed for taste = balsamic, lemon juice, extra virgin olive oil, maple syrup, salt, and pepper.)
• New green bean casserole (Alterations: coconut milk and an extra Tbsp of flour instead of half and half; crimini mushrooms; veggie stock instead of chicken stock; toasted almonds instead of fried shallots.)
• Garlic lemon broccolini (No alterations other than doubling the recipe and using a lot more garlic! We also had a bowl of Parmesan Regianno slices for the non-Vegans to sprinkle on top.)
• Mushroom dressing/stuffing (This is family recipe and it’s probably similar to your family’s; we use lots of celery, mushrooms, garlic, and onion and we bake ours until crispy in the oven.)
• Maple pecan sweet potato casserole (Alterations: Earth Balance instead of butter; less brown sugar in the potato mixture; made extra topping and used a shallow casserole dish.)
• Vegan pumpkin pie (In my lifetime I have made 7 different vegan pumpkin pie recipes, but her filling recipe is my favorite thus far and I doubt I’ll try another recipe.)
• Martha Stewart’s pumpkin chocolate swirl brownies (No alterations. My brother had to go without. They are just too damn good and I didn’t want to mess with greatness.)

{Sad looking, but delicious vegan pumpkin pie. Most of my pies had been devoured before I could take pictures!}

~~~~~

What did you have for Thanksgiving this year?

Pumpkins

I love Fall. I love the food. I love the weather. I love the clothes. I love how my hair is not frizzy! And I aboslutely everything involving pumpkins. This year our Human Factors graduate student organization co-sponsored an event on campus for kids in the community. We hosted the pumpkin painting table and had an absolute blast. I wish I could share pictures of the kids painting because they were adorable.

Some mental health breaks

School is definitely busier and more difficult than I imagined it would be. I guess it is helping me gear up for my next semester and summer in Hell coming up. Deep breaths. Trying to maintain my sanity and not relapse into negative patterns of thinking and behavior. Trying. Not always doing.

So, what have I been up to outside of school? The mental health breaks have been numerous! I reached more fitness milestones. I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the Naro. The Mark Rothko exhibit at the local museum was fabulous. I saw Ira Glass at Chrysler Hall and STS9 at the Norva. I spent time with friends instead of staying home alone too often.  I will forever be introverted, so I need to be alone. But I am finding that I enjoy spending the majority of my time with other people instead of being in my head all the time. Balance, right?

I have nothing lined up for November, but I’m sure I’ll find some fun things to do so I can maintain some kind of balance. I am definitely looking forward to November because my brother will be here for Thanksgiving!

Vegas

I realized recently that I never posted pictures of Vegas on my blog. You can see the rest at Picasa. I am going to try to start posting more pictures there. I went to Vegas last month for an academic conference. So, in between conference shenanigans (presenting research, networking, interviewing for internships, and attending talks, panels, and meetings), I had a great time. We stayed at the Red Rock Casino and Resort for the conference, so one of my favorites things was watching the sunrise over the strip one morning. We then moved to Planet Hollywood after the conference. We saw Love, we went through almost all the main hotels on the strip, we ate at some amazing restaurants (Sugar Factory, Otto Enoteca, and Stack to name a few), and we drove down the strip in my friend’s convertible. It was a wonderful trip.

Thanks to @sincitymeetup and @espetersen for great tips about where to eat, dance, and drink while I was in Vegas!

I am back to working my crazy number of hours just like all Doctoral students. I get stressed. And afraid. And sad. I want to stay in bed some days. I am embarrassed by how little I know compared to other students in my cohort. I question whether this is the right path at least once a week. I don’t want to see faculty. My seminar class gives me anxiety. I have moments when I want to give up. I know, it’s only the sixth week of classes. I quit my job so I could focus on school. In doing so, I took on a leadership role in a student organization. I love this position so much. It excites me. It motivates me to keep moving forward. Still, it is a lot of work. Thankfully, I have a team of officers who blow me away with their willingness to help and take on some of the workload. I’m also still a teaching assistant and taking three classes. I see this tiny light ahead of me. Comprehensive (or Qualifying) exams are the most dreaded part of our program. I’m just as nervous to take them in the summer as anyone. But at the end of each day, I’m OK. I’m calm. I’m content. I have my shit together for maybe the first semester in the history of my grad school career.

So what’s different?

I think I’m different.

This summer I did a lot of self-reflection. I made a lot of changes to my daily routine. I focused on changing negative self talk. I asked myself so many questions.

• Why am I here (grad school)?
• Where do I want to go?
• What do I want to do with this degree?
• What skills do I possess (inside and outside of school) that will allow me to get there?
• Who do I need to meet so I can get there?
• Who do I want to be (in my job, in my relationships, in the Universe)?
• How do I want to be remembered?
• What makes me thrive?
• What makes me most productive? That is, what do I want to spend time and effort doing in school?
• What inspires me?

I told a best friend a few weeks back that the upcoming national conference in my field would solidify for me whether I continued down this path or if it was time to change direction before it was too late. I went to that conference last week. I brought with me to that conference those questions I had been asking myself all summer.

That conference shook me up. I made some incredible connections in the field and I made new friends. I saw old friends and colleagues who made my heart happy. I had important conversations with students who have graduated from the program. Opportunities almost fell into my lap (though I know I sought out those opportunities and the Universe worked with me). I attended a panel that lit a fire in me and reminded me that what I want to do is exciting and rewarding and important even if that goal does not align with the goals of my cohort or faculty. I received some positive feedback from strangers (and from faculty and students).  I took on responsibilities within an organization.

I’ve made decisions about what I value, what I need to do, and where I need to go. I’ve changed my perspective. I am content. What’s more, I have come to terms with taking control of my life. That is, I am defining success on my own terms and I am moving toward my own goals. So often in grad school, we are compared to others, we are treated (negatively) in the same way others were treated, and we are held to a particular standard of values that are often not healthy. I am continuing to bring people into my life who make me better, who push me, who understand me, who are kind to me, and who support me.

I had to make a decision. I had to prioritize. I see that tiny light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel and I want to prepare the best I can. I don’t want that light to grow larger in my view and then fail just before I get to it because I procrastinated or didn’t prioritize in a healthy way.

Things are different because I am different.

Or maybe, I am learning a little more about who I am this year.

Maybe I took a baby step toward breaking free from fear?

Maybe.

P.S. I got a tattoo in Vegas last week.

{"Fearlessness" and seagulls to represent Jonathan Livingston Seagull, the ocean, and my grandmother}

We have the choice of life or death, love or fear, in each moment. We set out to better ourselves, only to find legions of reasons to break our commitment to health. We say it is too difficult to make the hard choice today. And yet the obstacles in our path *are* the path. Every time we stretch beyond our resistance and our fear, we make a choice for life. And every time we choose life, we find that fear loses its grip on us. ~ Rolf Gates

We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free! We can learn to fly! ~ from Jonathan Livingston Seagull

On September 1st I said:

August was probably my favorite month of the year so far. Sad to see it end, but optimistic about the rest of the year.

These handful of weeks between the end of summer and the beginning of a new school year have been a strange, beautiful time in my year so far. I feel… I don’t know… blessed… to be part of my own life recently.

The Summer to Fall transition is always a magical time to me. The lifting of the veil between what we consider to be the spirit and mortal worlds. Beginnings and endings. The toe curling ecstasy I feel with the shift in the weather. These last few weeks have been a little too heated at times, but never to the point of boiling over. More like a slow simmer that I think is now cooling off just enough to allow me to think, breathe, focus, and orient myself in the direction of my goals.

I know what I want. Most days. I know what I need. Most days. I want to continue to be present in all areas of my life, careful to never look backward or forward for too long.

I greeted this new school year with an open heart and an intense optimism. You won’t often see that kind of excitement and steadiness from me around this time of year. Someone last week mentioned that I had a strong wind under my sails… a current, a charge, a breeze created by the joy of changing my perspective, taking huge risks, and surrounding myself with people who light a fire in me. Sadly, one of those fires died too early, but the fire was there and I am thankful for it. I still have this energy around me, inside me, and I hope it will remain for a long time.

I want to remember this time in my life, so this is how I choose to summarize the last four weeks.

Sushi.

And yet, so much more than sushi. It was a wonderful weekend with two of the greatest people I’ve ever known. Ever so thankful to have found them, or rather, that they found me. I also enjoyed having brunch with a great guy friend, catching up with a certain DC Princess and meeting a Twitter friend in real life.

A leave of absence.

Yep, I am taking a leave of absence from a job I love to focus on my last year of course work. I am taking on new projects and responsibilities on campus. I’m still juggling, shuffling, wearing lots of hats, but this year I refuse to put my health on the back burner. My income has been drastically reduced, which means I’m making some lifestyle changes. I wasn’t kidding when I said this Fall was bringing lots of new beginnings!

That damn hurricane.

I know, why would I want to remember the hurricane? My family in North Carolina was safe, my grandpa’s house in North Carolina was not damaged too badly, my apartment didn’t flood or leak even though the first floor of my complex did, and I spent a couple days with my mom at her house. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, thanks for dealing with my hurricane tweets. Here are links to images of Irene’s devastation (despite it being “no big deal”) – The Big Picture and WVEC (local news).

Strength.

Setting personal goals and meeting them is incredibly rewarding. Enough said.

The Naro.

Click here to view the embedded video.

{Someone brought his Delorian to the Alt Daily showing of Back to the Future, image via Becca Kennedy}

I spent a lot of time at the Naro. Back to the Future was packed and so much fun. The Trip made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed at the movies in a long time. Midnight in Paris was a delightful reminder of living for today and loving with all your being.

Friends.

My friends are the best in the Universe. They’ve helped me work through a number of… we’ll call them… inconvenient, sad, exhausting, and annoying situations this summer. I will be eternally grateful for their time, advice, love, and hugs. This time they helped me move forward with online girl talk, a great movie, and some tequilla. Next time, maybe we’ll go for beer and pizza?

Lessons learned.

This summer I remembered that I sometimes give people the benefit of the doubt when they’ve given me plenty of evidence to the contrary. It isn’t that I trust too much; I have a difficult time trusting. I do see the potential greatness in people and I cling to it, sometimes to a fault. Other times? All evidence points to greatness, but they are unable to see it in themselves. Sometimes else I remembered this summer: As much as I do not crave, desire, seek, or need drama, I sometimes attract it. What is the lesson in all this? I must continue to surround myself with people, places, and things that help me achieve true calm, balance, and stability. I must surround myself with people who allow me to be a better person. This doesn’t mean I will not take risks. I will always take risks because I want to continue to grow, to put my heart out there, and to break down the fears that held me back most of my life. I want to love and be loved, so I will continue to shine a little of my light into the Universe. We are all one consciousness.

It’s that time of year again!

It’s the 20sb Blog Swap. Allow me to introduce you to Allie, my blog swap partner.

This year, the topic is SUMMER.

As summer nears its end and it’s back to school time for many, we think it would be fun to reflect on summer. Did you take any great vacations? Did you melt in the heat? Do you have a favorite summer memory from your childhood? Share anything summer-related with us!

So without further adieu, here is Allie’s post about her summer. You can head over to Allie’s blog to read my post, too.

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This is my first time doing a blog swap and I am so glad to be a part of Alex’s blog. I am doing this blog swap through the 20 Something Bloggers community. The topic is summer… ahhhh… let’s get started.

Holding On

I haven’t had a typical summer this year. I moved to another country, and yet for some reason I think I will still be able to come back to Kentucky, and the weather will be what it was when I left.

The first part of the summer included me planning to move to Ireland and the second half has been me actually moving here. Along the way I got to have some fun too, like parasailing for the first time, and hanging out with friends and family on my last night in the states.

I don’t think I blend in well with the locals because my summer tan is a little much for the Irish skin. Luckily when I moved to Ireland, it was still “summer” here… well as you can see from this picture of my first weekend here… summer and warm weather don’t always go together.

Family and friends back home are still dealing with the extreme heat, and although many are back to school soon it’s hard to think summer is really over until you put on that first cardigan of the year and see the first leaf drop to the ground.

Until then, I am going to keep trying to find my favorite American tv shows online somewhere (it’s more difficult than you would think) and suppressive my craving for a Wendy’s frosty while holding on to these last little bits of summer, Irish and American.

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So, readers, how was your summer?!

Last Saturday was my ten year high school reunion.

Yep. We’re officially getting old.

I didn’t care too much for high school. That’s for another post. Or maybe not. I don’t look back on my past in anger or regret. I just would not want to re-live any part of my life over again. The people who tell us our high school years are our best years? I have finally decided that they are very unhappy adults. The best years of our lives are the years when we’re adults, having learned from our mistakes and triumphs, when we’re creating the life we dreamed of for ourselves. Adulthood is more difficult in some ways, sure. I think my best years will be my 30s. But high school? Please.

Many of my closest friends graduated the year before I did, but I still had friends in my graduating class. I was what most people would call a “floater.” I didn’t belong exclusively to any one group of people. I had friends in a few different circles. Sometimes I found it to be difficult because I never felt like I belonged. This is a common theme in my life. I have lots of friends with very different lives, interests, goals, families, habits, etc. but I don’t have one group with which I identify. I thought it would be different in grad school, but it is just the same. I digress…

I’m happy to say that I’m still close with some of my high school friends. Some I’m closer to than others, of course. I love that the Internet allows us to stay connected when we are cities, states, and countries apart. Worlds apart, but just a Skype call or tweet away.

{10 years ago - spirit week and graduation parties}

Just before we graduated from high school, a friend of mine made our little group a couple of mix CDs. He was a musician (and still is, which is so wonderful). The name of the mix was “Music For When The Parties Die Down.” I still have those two CDs in their original packaging: folded yellow paper with handwritten messages and a little skeleton stamp.

A couple weeks ago, he emailed some of us a new mix. Of course, he shared it on a server instead of CDs. And each song was created by a band with whom he has worked with personally. By the way, you should check out his stuff (and if you live in LA, it’s essential that you check out a show).

It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy knowing that even though ten years have passed and we barely talk to one another, those memories will be with us forever.

It was so wonderful to catch up and see certain people again. Some people did not make it to the reunion, but I was able to catch up with them afterwards at a local bar. Some of us have changed, some have stayed the same. Ultimately, some of us will always stay in touch.

{We are all grown up - kinda}

Time flies. Make time for the people who really count.

I’ve been dumped before… This isn’t pain I’m feeling, it’s nostalgia. - Ally McBeal

A Maybe came and went.

I am no longer seeing anyone. We split a month ago. It’s just taken me awhile to write this post.

Things were going well. I even thought he was a “Maybe.”

Check him out – even if he’s a Maybe; even if you know he’s not really The One, but you feel he has a chance of being The One. Coz the right ones – even those who have the remotest possibility of being The One – they don’t come by too often, if they ever do come at all. – Ally McBeal

A Maybe is the kind of guy you consider to be a long haul kind of guy. A Maybe is someone with whom you go furniture shopping and talk about the future only knowing him a month. A Maybe is someone with whom everything is easy. When it’s almost as if you’ve known each other forever, even if you get that nervous butterfly feeling around him.

I prefer to leave the rest of the details off the blog. Those closest to me know the details (and probably wish they didn’t – love you guys!). It wasn’t one of those dramatic breakups. It was a conversation between two adults who realized it wouldn’t work out. We couldn’t give each other what we wanted or needed. We were both busy, had different priorities and communication styles, and we were on different schedules. I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down with excitement that he wanted to end it, but it had to end given the situation. It hurt. It made my stomach flip (and not in the good way). I lost my appetite. I felt a little nuts. I’m an INFJ and a Pisces for goodness sake. I over-analyzed and internalized. I cried.

But then… something strange happened.

I got over it. In four days.

By “over it” I just mean I stopped feeling crazy, I started eating, and I laughed about it. I realized I might be a grown up, after all. I have come a long way from the girl I was just a few years ago. There were some red flags I should have paid closer attention to. But you know what? I am so happy he was part of my life temporarily and I hope he is happy I was part of his life.

And it was time to move on.

They say it’s all in the attitude and mine has changed. And this time it’s gonna last… maybe even a week. - Ally McBeal

How on earth could I get over a Maybe in four days?

Here is my guide to getting over a guy in four days.

Thanks to Jenn for collaborating on this post with me!

1. Have the most ridiculously awesome ever friends on the planet. This requirement must be met before you find a Maybe.

2. Keep those ridiculously awesome friends in the loop when you’re dating. Your friends can point out times you or the other person are acting crazy, give you advice on what to do and what not to do, give you virtual and real hugs when you feel sad, squeal and giggle when things are going well, and share their own dating stories. Basically, friends keep you grounded a little when you start getting your head stuck in Cloud 9.

{Image by Jenn}

3. Send messages via text, gchat, Twitter, and email back and forth among some of these friends. Pinch yourself. Your friends are awesome.

4. Go visit a friend who you haven’t seen in awhile. You know the friend. That one who has her shit together more than just about anyone you know. The one who is in a great relationship. Maybe even about to have a baby. Just sayin’.

5. Go to the beach with another friend and your brother. Spend the whole day at the beach. Get a sunburn that ages you ten years. It’s totally worth it. I promise. Besides, you’ll have a nice tan by the time you get around to #10 on the list.

{Image by Jenn}

6. Watch Season 3 of Ally McBeal on Netflix streaming. Dance in your kitchen when she dances. Cry about heartbreak when she cries. Laugh uncomfortably when you see your life flash on screen. You might also want to marathon some Archer with your brother.

7. Car dance. Lots of car dancing. And singing. Blast some Armin van Buuren, sing “Unforgiveable” at the top of your lungs, and don’t stop for a second to care what people think of you as you drive past them.

8. Froyo. Strawberry and vanilla with extra hot fudge and coconut.

9. Cardio. Lots of cardio. Jump on that goddamn elliptical, channel your inner angst, and keep moving until your legs go numb.

{Image by Jenn}

10. Log back in to Match.com (or whatever dating site you deem appropriate for your needs) to see who has sent you messages or viewed your profile since you last logged in months ago. Contact some of these people. Spend an hour looking at profiles. Some of these interactions will turn into dates. Go on lots of first dates. Pay for yourself and just go out for coffee or a beer. You’re awesome. You’re hot. You’re smart. Remind yourself that one day you will meet another Maybe, but it’s also OK to go on lots of first dates for awhile to get comfortable with that idea. And just remember – physical attraction will only carry you so far in a relationship. The guys who make you laugh until your face hurts or the guys who can carry on a three hour conversation without alcohol or awkwardness are more worth your time than super models who don’t have time for you outside of a booty call. I’ve read so many articles (science and opinion based) telling us that we want what we can’t have. But as a friend said recently, it’s worth squeezing a guy into your schedule if  he wants to lock that shit down pretty quickly (e.g., he asks you out on a second date an hour after your first date).

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What did I leave off the list? How did you get over your last Maybe?