Just let you fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not lost
Just let your fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not alone

~Sunlounger feat Zara – Lost~

~~~~~~~~~~

I have been feeling a little sick lately and have been very emotional the last two weeks.  Every little thing makes me a weepy mess.  I have narrowed it down to two things: new medication and extreme stress.  I just can’t and won’t keep my emotions bottled up like I used to.  Today started like any other day.  Wake up, get ready, head to campus, get some work done, sit through class, makes plans to eat dinner and get more work done after class.

My advisor wanted to meet with me after class because we did not have our usual one on one meeting.  I had a conference to attend for work and had to reschedule.  We sat down in one of our labs and he said, “I just want to let you know that Congratulations, we want to bring you on as a PhD candidate.  I have been talking to Julie (my boss) about funding and we have to figure out how we can cover your tuition.  Once I talk to the department head and get that worked out, you will get your official letter in the mail.  But you have officially been accepted into the program.”

I went to dinner with two friends in the program because we had to finish the budget for our graduate student group.  We had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and laughed until we were crying and talked about school and boys and family.  I sent out a tweet about getting accepted into the program and immediately was bombarded with Congratulatory tweets.  On my way to drop off my friends on campus after dinner, we chatted about how much we have learned about ourselves, our capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We know who our real friends are and what we need to thrive.  I said one of the main reasons I want to stay in my current program is the connection I have established with those around me.

On my way home, I called my mom on her house phone.  She didn’t answer.  I called her cell phone.  She didn’t answer.  I started getting a little emotional because she had sent me a text message earlier telling me I could call her tonight and I wanted to give her the good news.  We haven’t talked very much in two weeks because we’ve both been so busy.  I thought about how I was heading home and wished with all my heart that my grandmother was there to greet me like she would have a year ago.  I wanted to tell her my good news.

She was so supportive of me and my decision to go to grad school.  She earned a Master’s degree before women earned Master’s degrees.  She had the opportunity to earn her PhD, but did not.  She did not become Dr. Bryson because she knew it would kill my grandmother.  It would have killed him to have a wife who was more educated and to have to correct people when they thought he was Dr.  And in the end, even when she was so fearless in the face of her own death, she wished with all of her heart that she had not made that sacrifice for another.  She told me so often that she wish she’d earned a PhD just so she would be able to say she did it, she conquered her greatest fear.

I am overwhelmed with the emotions that have been bubbling up inside me for weeks.  I am thrilled and devastated.  Elated and heart-broken.  Exhausted and excited.

Sometimes I am in awe of how far I have come in such a short period of time.  Some of you have not known me for very long.  Some of you only know the me that is smiling, somewhat confident, and fearless. Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have not always been the girl that resides in this body of mine.  I have not always been happy and have not always done things to take care of myself.  I locked up my heart for a long time because of things in my past. I went out of my way to hurt myself, I did not surround myself with people who had my best interest at heart, and I did not think I was worth very much.  I did not think I deserved to be happy.  I did not think I was capable of being successful.

At some point, roughly three years ago, I let go of my fears and embraced myself.  All of myself.  I applied to and got into grad school, quit my job, and started a new life.  I surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better woman.  I forgave myself.  I forgave others. I finally realized that I deserved to be happy.

Here I am.

I am home.  This is where I belong.  I am not lost.  I am not alone.

And I am fearless.