All posts by Alex

My Epiphany Moment – just say No

The Way

The Epiphany Moment Project

Matt Chevy is one of the hardest working people in my Blogopshere.  OK, I take that back.  He’s WAY bigger than just my little old social network.  I had the pleasure of chatting with him for a few minutes on Skype this week.

You can check out his amazing project, The Epiphany Moment, over at Life Without Pants.  The focus of my Epiphany Moment was knowing when to say No and to set boundaries for yourself.  Head over to his site to record your own Epiphany Moment.

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Just say No

It can be difficult for those of us who have high expectations for ourselves to set boundaries.  We feel guilty if we say No. We put too much pressure on ourselves to do EVERYTHING.  To PLEASE everyone.  To just take on one more project, client, assignment, research project.  To write just one more blog.  To do one more favor.  To allow someone to take advantage of our kindness, our abilities, our time.  To say Yes Yes Yes.  But we can’t.  We have to take care of ourselves and set boundaries so we can be successful and healthy and happy.  We must be able to set boundaries and say without feeling guilty, especially in our interpersonal relationships.  Ultimately, if we don’t care of ourselves, we cannot take care of others.  We cannot do what needs to be done at the end of the day.  Parents cannot be good parents if they do not take care of themselves.  Friends and family members cannot be good for one another without doing what is best for them as individuals before doing what their friends or family want from them.  It is OK to say No.  And it is OK not to explain yourself.  By saying No, you are empowering yourself to focus on what you need to do in the here and now.

When was the last time you told someone No?  Told yourself No?  Set boundaries in a relationship or situation?

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It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

~ Robert Burney~

Grad student Q & A – you are what you eat, even in grad school

Grad school

This is the fifth week of a six-week Q & A series.  Holly (aka Spleeness) asked:

How do you manage meals?

There are three types of grad students when it comes to meal management

I am one of the many graduate students in the world who gained weight in grad school. I had no idea that I would gain 20 pounds in my first two years of graduate school.  It can be frustrating at times (especially like the time last year when I had to buy a new wardrobe to attend an academic conference).  Most people who know how I eat know that I eat relatively healthy.  They swear I am just gaining weight from stress.  But I don’t exercise enough, I eat too many carbs and I have long days.  I eat too much during the day.  The silver lining is that I love my body more now than I ever did when I was a size 4 and I am not living in a dream land where I expect to ever fit in my jeans from college.

Then there are the protein shake grad students. They eat on the weekends, but live on protein shakes, juice and smoothies during the week.  Most of these students contend that liquid diets are more efficient.  They are right.  Really, the best way to eat is not to eat, but to drink. It is better for our digestive systems.  The few people I know who live on shakes are relatively healthy.  I lived on shakes when I had braces in college and I hated it.  I love food too much.  And I love to cook.  If you want to know more about how to live a chewing-free lifestyle, I highly recommend reading one of my favorite books: The Tao of Detox.

Then there are the grad students who do not eat. When they are stressed and busy, they forget to eat or lose their appetites.  They go all day without really eating.  When they do eat, they eat out.  Usually fast food because it is… well… fast.  Some wait all day and then eat a ton of food at night.  So some people lose weight in grad school.

How I adjusted to eat healthier since the summer

My first year of grad school, I ate meals out quite a bit.  There were days when I would spend 12 hours in Panera with fellow students.  We might eat two meals there in one day. Free WiFi + large tables for notes and books + coffee + “everyone can find something to eat” = grad student hide out.  Once I became acclimated to 12-24 hour academic days, I started cooking more and bringing food with me to work and campus.  I work from home on the weekends and at least twice during the week. I am only on campus two full days and a half day one day each week.  I am in my office or working off site at least once per week.  It may seem like this would be frustrating and make meal planning difficult, but I have found a way to make it work for me.  I do have access to coffee pots, microwaves and mini-fridges on campus in my labs and at my office.  Also, keep in mind I am a little neurotic, I love food, I love to cook and I do not eat any four-legged animals (and fish is the only meat I cook in my house).  I also probably spend more on groceries for myself in a week than some couples spend.  I justify it in my head and in my budget by not eating out at restaurants like I used to.

How to plan meals when you have a hectic schedule without any semblance of routine

Make menus for the week.

I have a calendar on my fridge that I use just for menu planning.  I shop for groceries weekly or bi-weekly depending on how busy I am.  I base my menu off of what I anticipate my week will look like.  I do not plan meals for breakfast and lunch on weekends because I am home and usually eat the same kinds of things those days. I am rarely able to stick to my menu exactly, but it helps me budget my time and money wisely.

Menus come in most handy at dinner.  I know that I have something at home ready to make and I am rarely tempted to pick up food on my way home in the evenings.  I do eat out most Thursday nights after class.  I meet up some fellow students around 5pm so we can hang out and avoid driving in rush hour traffic.  Unless I am going to meet up with some friends on a Friday night, I cook dinner for myself every other night of the week.  I started making weekly menus that I stick by fairly well.

I have to eat the same thing for two or three meals sometimes, but I change it up a little so I don’t get tired of it.  I might make enough homemade Mac and Cheese for three days, but I might eat it with a tuna steak and peas for dinner, with a small salad the next day for lunch, and with a sautéed Portobello mushrooms and spinach that night for dinner.  I might make a small homemade pizza one night for dinner with leftover veggies in my fridge.  I might cook brown rice one night as a side and make enough to use the leftovers for fried rice with veggies and tofu the next.  You just have to be creative. Here are some pictures of some of my favorite things to make for dinner.

Keep a bag/box of non-perishable snacks and food items at your office.

Hide it so people don’t steal your food.  Rely on it.  Keep it stocked.  If you have access to a microwave and fridge/freezer, keep a few frozen or perishable staples available, too.  I have a bag of food hidden at my desk and some lean cuisines in the freezer at my office in case I forget my lunch.  If I know I will be on campus or at work a lot, I usually keep baby carrots and hummus in the fridge, too. There is really no excuse for me to eat out for breakfast or lunch any day of the week.  There is no excuse for me to spend money at the vending machine on junk food.  I do eat out for lunch sometimes because my boss and I prefer to work in coffee shops and restaurants.

Purchase an insulated lunch bag to carry snacks and food in little containers or bags.

This is related to the last suggestion, of course.  If you have a fridge/microwave access when you away from home, you can just use the bag to transport your food to the fridge.  If do not have access to kitchen-like appliances all day, the insulated lunch bags can keep food cold with an ice pack. Etsy has some lovely ones.

{via Diane’s Corner on Etsy}

Purchase a BPA-free water bottle (like my favorite KOR bottle) to refill or carry a giant 1.5 L water bottle when you are not at home.

Staying hydrated improves your mood, boosts your energy level, helps your skin stay fabulous, and keeps your body healthy.  If you normally drink a lot of soda and coffee during the day, try one serving of water at some point during the day when you would normally grab a soda or cup of Joe.  People make fun of me because I drink so much water.  They can keep making fun.  I will continue to drink my many daily liters of Reverse Osmosis water, thanks.

{KOR}

Make giant portions of soups, curries and sauces and freeze individual servings in freezer bags.

I try to do this once every few months.  I will make a giant pot of veggie minestrone or pasta e fagoili, chana masala, pasta sauce, and Indian sweet potato curry.  I divide servings into freezer bags and pile them into my freezer. I also make veggie lasagna and cut it into individual pieces without baking it first.  I store it in freezer paper and bags so I can take a piece out of the freezer in the morning and have it thawed that night.

{Giant pot of pasta sauce with spinach, chickpeas and artichoke hearts – I froze the leftovers}

You are what you eat

There are some foods that I like to have in my pantry/freezer/fridge at all times: romaine lettuce, frozen spinach, frozen fruit, bananas, brown rice pasta, brown rice, tuna, whey protein (does that count?), marinara sauce, frozen avocado halves, green tea, carrots, black beans, hummus, pistachios, raisins, cheese, popcorn, honey, coffee, chocolate chocolate chocolate, wine, ginger ale

{some of my staples for breakfast}

My friends on Twitter mentioned some great meal time staples: peanut butter, pasta, Mac & Cheese, applesauce, apples, popcorn, fresh fruit, beefaroni, ground turkey, marinara sauce, dried fruit, nuts, cheddar bunnies, blue corn chips, pretzels, cheese, wine, cereal, coffee

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When you had a major lifestyle adjustment, did you gain or lose weight or was food not an issue?

What are your favorite snack foods to pack on a long day away from home?  Do you eat out every day at lunch or do you prefer to cook meals at home and eat leftovers?  Do you live on protein shakes?

How do you manage your meals when you don’t have a second of free time to spare?

Let your fears go

Grad school, The Way

Just let you fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not lost
Just let your fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not alone

~Sunlounger feat Zara – Lost~

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I have been feeling a little sick lately and have been very emotional the last two weeks.  Every little thing makes me a weepy mess.  I have narrowed it down to two things: new medication and extreme stress.  I just can’t and won’t keep my emotions bottled up like I used to.  Today started like any other day.  Wake up, get ready, head to campus, get some work done, sit through class, makes plans to eat dinner and get more work done after class.

My advisor wanted to meet with me after class because we did not have our usual one on one meeting.  I had a conference to attend for work and had to reschedule.  We sat down in one of our labs and he said, “I just want to let you know that Congratulations, we want to bring you on as a PhD candidate.  I have been talking to Julie (my boss) about funding and we have to figure out how we can cover your tuition.  Once I talk to the department head and get that worked out, you will get your official letter in the mail.  But you have officially been accepted into the program.”

I went to dinner with two friends in the program because we had to finish the budget for our graduate student group.  We had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and laughed until we were crying and talked about school and boys and family.  I sent out a tweet about getting accepted into the program and immediately was bombarded with Congratulatory tweets.  On my way to drop off my friends on campus after dinner, we chatted about how much we have learned about ourselves, our capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We know who our real friends are and what we need to thrive.  I said one of the main reasons I want to stay in my current program is the connection I have established with those around me.

On my way home, I called my mom on her house phone.  She didn’t answer.  I called her cell phone.  She didn’t answer.  I started getting a little emotional because she had sent me a text message earlier telling me I could call her tonight and I wanted to give her the good news.  We haven’t talked very much in two weeks because we’ve both been so busy.  I thought about how I was heading home and wished with all my heart that my grandmother was there to greet me like she would have a year ago.  I wanted to tell her my good news.

She was so supportive of me and my decision to go to grad school.  She earned a Master’s degree before women earned Master’s degrees.  She had the opportunity to earn her PhD, but did not.  She did not become Dr. Bryson because she knew it would kill my grandmother.  It would have killed him to have a wife who was more educated and to have to correct people when they thought he was Dr.  And in the end, even when she was so fearless in the face of her own death, she wished with all of her heart that she had not made that sacrifice for another.  She told me so often that she wish she’d earned a PhD just so she would be able to say she did it, she conquered her greatest fear.

I am overwhelmed with the emotions that have been bubbling up inside me for weeks.  I am thrilled and devastated.  Elated and heart-broken.  Exhausted and excited.

Sometimes I am in awe of how far I have come in such a short period of time.  Some of you have not known me for very long.  Some of you only know the me that is smiling, somewhat confident, and fearless. Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have not always been the girl that resides in this body of mine.  I have not always been happy and have not always done things to take care of myself.  I locked up my heart for a long time because of things in my past. I went out of my way to hurt myself, I did not surround myself with people who had my best interest at heart, and I did not think I was worth very much.  I did not think I deserved to be happy.  I did not think I was capable of being successful.

At some point, roughly three years ago, I let go of my fears and embraced myself.  All of myself.  I applied to and got into grad school, quit my job, and started a new life.  I surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better woman.  I forgave myself.  I forgave others. I finally realized that I deserved to be happy.

Here I am.

I am home.  This is where I belong.  I am not lost.  I am not alone.

And I am fearless.