Just let you fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not lost
Just let your fears go, you might find your way back home
Let your fears go, you might find that you’re not alone

~Sunlounger feat Zara – Lost~

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I have been feeling a little sick lately and have been very emotional the last two weeks.  Every little thing makes me a weepy mess.  I have narrowed it down to two things: new medication and extreme stress.  I just can’t and won’t keep my emotions bottled up like I used to.  Today started like any other day.  Wake up, get ready, head to campus, get some work done, sit through class, makes plans to eat dinner and get more work done after class.

My advisor wanted to meet with me after class because we did not have our usual one on one meeting.  I had a conference to attend for work and had to reschedule.  We sat down in one of our labs and he said, “I just want to let you know that Congratulations, we want to bring you on as a PhD candidate.  I have been talking to Julie (my boss) about funding and we have to figure out how we can cover your tuition.  Once I talk to the department head and get that worked out, you will get your official letter in the mail.  But you have officially been accepted into the program.”

I went to dinner with two friends in the program because we had to finish the budget for our graduate student group.  We had a couple glasses of wine with dinner and laughed until we were crying and talked about school and boys and family.  I sent out a tweet about getting accepted into the program and immediately was bombarded with Congratulatory tweets.  On my way to drop off my friends on campus after dinner, we chatted about how much we have learned about ourselves, our capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. We know who our real friends are and what we need to thrive.  I said one of the main reasons I want to stay in my current program is the connection I have established with those around me.

On my way home, I called my mom on her house phone.  She didn’t answer.  I called her cell phone.  She didn’t answer.  I started getting a little emotional because she had sent me a text message earlier telling me I could call her tonight and I wanted to give her the good news.  We haven’t talked very much in two weeks because we’ve both been so busy.  I thought about how I was heading home and wished with all my heart that my grandmother was there to greet me like she would have a year ago.  I wanted to tell her my good news.

She was so supportive of me and my decision to go to grad school.  She earned a Master’s degree before women earned Master’s degrees.  She had the opportunity to earn her PhD, but did not.  She did not become Dr. Bryson because she knew it would kill my grandmother.  It would have killed him to have a wife who was more educated and to have to correct people when they thought he was Dr.  And in the end, even when she was so fearless in the face of her own death, she wished with all of her heart that she had not made that sacrifice for another.  She told me so often that she wish she’d earned a PhD just so she would be able to say she did it, she conquered her greatest fear.

I am overwhelmed with the emotions that have been bubbling up inside me for weeks.  I am thrilled and devastated.  Elated and heart-broken.  Exhausted and excited.

Sometimes I am in awe of how far I have come in such a short period of time.  Some of you have not known me for very long.  Some of you only know the me that is smiling, somewhat confident, and fearless. Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have not always been the girl that resides in this body of mine.  I have not always been happy and have not always done things to take care of myself.  I locked up my heart for a long time because of things in my past. I went out of my way to hurt myself, I did not surround myself with people who had my best interest at heart, and I did not think I was worth very much.  I did not think I deserved to be happy.  I did not think I was capable of being successful.

At some point, roughly three years ago, I let go of my fears and embraced myself.  All of myself.  I applied to and got into grad school, quit my job, and started a new life.  I surrounded myself with people who make me want to be a better woman.  I forgave myself.  I forgave others. I finally realized that I deserved to be happy.

Here I am.

I am home.  This is where I belong.  I am not lost.  I am not alone.

And I am fearless.

I could totally go for one of Jamie’s Situational Boyfriends.

My dating life has been practically nonexistent since May 2007.  I made the decision to be  single for a year so I could get my priorities in order, focus on getting into grad school, and discover who I really am.  Also, I wanted to figure out why I was making such huge errors in judgment when it came to men.  I decided to get back into dating once I started grad school, but it has not gone well.  I went on a few real dates, I asked out a guy last year who said no, and the last guy who asked me out apparently had a girlfriend already.  Dating in grad school is hard.  For some of us, it is almost impossible.  Not that it isn’t always hard work, but there is an added dimension of “dating fail” for us grad students.

First dates

First dates are sometimes awkward. I value my education, but don’t want to come across as snobby. It is awkward for someone who hasn’t completed a higher degree because he doesn’t know what to say to someone who is more educated.  It doesn’t matter that I have a life outside of academics. All they see is a bubble with “PhD” floating above my head.  And all I see is someone who I’ve dated a million times or someone who is apathetic about setting goals for his future. Maybe he wants a girl who is ready to settle down and have kids, someone who will be a remarkable homemaker and mother.  Maybe I want to find a guy who is not turned off by my brain. It isn’t that there is anything wrong with either of us.  It is not that we want the wrong things in a partner. We are just not right for each other.

Where I (don’t) meet guys

Dating within your program is usually frowned upon.  It is difficult to date within a program because it is a professional environment so the rules of dating a coworker apply here.  In addition, we spend so much time together in class, in our labs, or in study groups that we become more like a family.  It is hard to think of even the cutest guys in the group as dating material.

I spend most of my time at home, at work, on campus (in class, in meetings, in my labs) or commuting. That does not leave much time to go out and meet other singles. I am also over that phase of my life where I want to spend every evening dressing up to go clubbing and partying.  I enjoy a glass of wine, but don’t want to get smashed every night.  If I have free time, I would rather spend that time with my close friends or decompressing somehow.

Saving the best for last

Some of my best friends are married couples.  It is inspiring to see people I love who are married and have good relationships.  (You know who you are!)  For awhile I felt a little self-conscious hanging out with married couples as a third wheel, but now I savor every moment. I not only get to hang out with amazing friends, but I am exposed to models of what a healthy, happy relationship should be.

Most of my friends are married or are in a long term relationship.  Of all my high school friends, I can count on one hand how many of us are still truly single.  My college friends who are single? Again… one hand.  What’s more… many people my age have already been married, divorced and have kids.  I stumbled upon this article in Jezebel about the detriment of settling for a guy too soon:

Just because you settle down doesn’t mean you marry a good man.

It is true that many people stay in the same place their entire lives and end up marrying their high school sweetheart or someone they meet in college.  A lot of women go to college with the intention of getting their M.r.s.  In my case, I have moved roughly every 5 years since I was born.  I almost settled down with my high school sweetheart after an on again off again relationship.  Sure, we could have gotten married, but we would not have stayed married.  It doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other, but we were too young to make decisions about our futures.  I look back now and know with absolute certainty I am better being single.  I have only recently discovered who I am (and still learning, by the way), what I am made of, what I need in life.  How could I have known what kind of man is right for me until now?

The good news

There are amazing men out there. I have met them. Sure, they are already married because a woman found them and snatched them up immediately!!! But I will meet more intelligent, handsome, mature, kind men in my future.  And they will be single. And they will ask me on a date. And it will go splendidly.

So, if I’ve been single this long, why do I want a man?

Ultimately, I want a companion. Someone with whom I can share the good times and the bad times.  I want to come home after a long day to see a man with whom I am head over heels in love.  I don’t need a man to “take care of me.”  I need a man to hold my hand, kiss me, and tell me everything is going to be OK when I feel overwhelmed.  I need a man to make me laugh out loud. I’ve found that some of the most successful people in grad school are those with a secure family life at home. Having someone home to do the dishes, take care of finances, and run errands even for a few days of the week can be a grad student’s saving grace. It is nearly impossible to balance everything, so having that support system in place is crucial.

Life is so much better when we can share it with someone.  It doesn’t matter how successful I am in the future if I am traveling the world alone. My life is complete.  I am content.  I love my life and where it is going. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to share my life with another human being.

So, what is your experience being single in grad school? Or your experience being married?